I always feel I never ponder the coming year enough.It is going to be a big year for us, in so many ways,personal,work,Katelyn...
I pray I find some time in the next few days to be quiet,still and find my place for the coming year.
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Friday 31 December 2010
Friday 24 December 2010
Christmas Eve
With lots of incredible family(and 6kids!)-just wonder and pray we'll fit in fine in 5 years time.
To our first christmas as parents...xx
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Wednesday 22 December 2010
The battle of burdens
I have this frustrating habit of taking on other peoples burdens-how I think I can help,or at least try non-stop to help,but I do know ultimately that I can't and that it's their own life journey and self-discovery that needs to come to the point of change,its nothing but love from me that'll make a difference.
Its a frustrating process!
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Friday 17 December 2010
Processing
Sometimes I feel like I'm still at step one of processing the past 12 months. Experiencing such a sadness lately of all the things I never had, or won't ever have - how those things are gone and won't come back. I just can't quite shake the sadness of it. That those carefree days (tiring,hard and all those things I know) of feeding,sleeping,settling etc etc just never stopped on our doorstep,that there was always a cloud hanging over our heads (weight-gain,how much I expressed,how long she fed,did she take any boob?,feeds taking 1.5hrs etc etc).
Its a hard journey when you have so much more to deal with and then you faced with these emotions that creep up.
So, in the midst of all the heartache,all I can do, is trust God.
1 Cor 1:8/9 - He will keep you strong to the end, will keep you blameless till the last day. God is faithful.
Its a hard journey when you have so much more to deal with and then you faced with these emotions that creep up.
So, in the midst of all the heartache,all I can do, is trust God.
1 Cor 1:8/9 - He will keep you strong to the end, will keep you blameless till the last day. God is faithful.
Friday 10 December 2010
Just have to
Sometimes when I feel I could burst with exhaustion (mostly emotional..but physical,mental too...all of it!), frustration, fed-up'ness...its almost a feeling of nothingness than an over-emotional feelings. (But don't get me wrong,there's enough emotion to make me cry!). But that's what its become like-nothingness. When I think about I figure I'm tired, frustrated etc.
BUT
I just HAVE to remember to trust God. It doesn't change me instantly, but often slowly and surely I feel a calmness. Doesn't explain or give me answers, but it makes me feel like everything's alright. But that's when I remember to stop,take a break and trust God. The rest of the time is like huge void of empty nothingness.
God, remind me to look to you.
BUT
I just HAVE to remember to trust God. It doesn't change me instantly, but often slowly and surely I feel a calmness. Doesn't explain or give me answers, but it makes me feel like everything's alright. But that's when I remember to stop,take a break and trust God. The rest of the time is like huge void of empty nothingness.
God, remind me to look to you.
Thursday 9 December 2010
Celebrating
Been celebrating our special girl today....pneumonia and all!! Sushi and red wine while she slept next to us.
She is so sweet.
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Today
Today a year ago I stumbled into the scan with a million thoughts on my mind - only for all of those to be shattered into pieces. They were of work,holidays,christmas,baby,renovations... and here I am, exactly a year later, with all my thoughts a few days ago suddenly put on hold-lying in hospital waiting for Katelyn to get better from her chest infection.
What a year.
So many incredibly hard times,times that no-one understands. Even Simon and I experience different thoughts, so we only understand each other to a certain extent too (of course very similar). Its always those quiet hidden expectations that are the hardest ones to deal with - so many of those I'm still trying to deal with. And unfortunately, because this infection came at such a bad time (yes of course l expected my week to play out as I wanted it to) ... It really brings me back to such a hard place.
All I know is God is faithful. Whatever that means now to us,where-ever we at, I never doubt that...I just need to continually remind myself of it.
So I think today must be about the positives, its easy to get caught in the negatives so I must try pull myself up,or ask God to.
- I do have a beautiful little girl whom I love so much.
- I do have an incredible husband whom I miss every second we're apart, who supports me, loves me, encourages me, is strong when I'm weak, is a wonderful father, my best friend and simply the nicest guy on the planet.
- I have learnt and am still discovering about Gods way, Gods plans
- I'm going to have a different journey, and I want to learn to embrace that
- Even when its hard with 'perfect' situations around us, I want to learn to never look at it from a perspective of 'what I never had'
- there's definitely more,but for now these are my thoughts,I'm sure today will see another post
What a year.
So many incredibly hard times,times that no-one understands. Even Simon and I experience different thoughts, so we only understand each other to a certain extent too (of course very similar). Its always those quiet hidden expectations that are the hardest ones to deal with - so many of those I'm still trying to deal with. And unfortunately, because this infection came at such a bad time (yes of course l expected my week to play out as I wanted it to) ... It really brings me back to such a hard place.
All I know is God is faithful. Whatever that means now to us,where-ever we at, I never doubt that...I just need to continually remind myself of it.
So I think today must be about the positives, its easy to get caught in the negatives so I must try pull myself up,or ask God to.
- I do have a beautiful little girl whom I love so much.
- I do have an incredible husband whom I miss every second we're apart, who supports me, loves me, encourages me, is strong when I'm weak, is a wonderful father, my best friend and simply the nicest guy on the planet.
- I have learnt and am still discovering about Gods way, Gods plans
- I'm going to have a different journey, and I want to learn to embrace that
- Even when its hard with 'perfect' situations around us, I want to learn to never look at it from a perspective of 'what I never had'
- there's definitely more,but for now these are my thoughts,I'm sure today will see another post
Monday 6 December 2010
Bath Time Mirror Time
I just have to put these up, she just knows her mirror time comes before bath time and she LOVES it!
Sunday 5 December 2010
THE week...9 December
I'm not sure whether it is,or whether its not. But thursday will officially be a year since our lives changed,or should I say,what we thought for our lives,took a major change. So I'm trying to work out whether its a big day, or whether I'm being too *i don't have the word for it*.
But it really has been a hard year,in so many ways,now I'm just kinda numb and so used to the challenges that it almost feels normal (which obviously is the idea and probably a good thing). When I see other people go through the phases we've gone through,or just ahead,I realise how different this journey has been for us.
I'll never have that first child, holding her, breastfeeding her, special bonding time in hospital - and I do wonder if next time round, how hard its going to be with old memories,but trusting God on that one that I'll be free of that and able to be there fully. But I can't think of all those things that I won't have or didn't have, because there are lots, but I also had my own set of experiences and I guess that's what I need to remember. But that's whole separate thought on its own.
Simon is literally so ready for holiday I've never seen him like this. Its killing him that we're not yet ready to go. When we chatted about it, I was asking him howcome he is so desperate for holiday. He just said he really needs to get out of Cape Town, then I realise how its all just been too much and we probably just want to escape it all.
So here's to a final week of closing up this year, so we can come back and think of the year to come and not dwell on the past. It'll have its own set of challenges,but I'm so ready to attempt to move on.
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But it really has been a hard year,in so many ways,now I'm just kinda numb and so used to the challenges that it almost feels normal (which obviously is the idea and probably a good thing). When I see other people go through the phases we've gone through,or just ahead,I realise how different this journey has been for us.
I'll never have that first child, holding her, breastfeeding her, special bonding time in hospital - and I do wonder if next time round, how hard its going to be with old memories,but trusting God on that one that I'll be free of that and able to be there fully. But I can't think of all those things that I won't have or didn't have, because there are lots, but I also had my own set of experiences and I guess that's what I need to remember. But that's whole separate thought on its own.
Simon is literally so ready for holiday I've never seen him like this. Its killing him that we're not yet ready to go. When we chatted about it, I was asking him howcome he is so desperate for holiday. He just said he really needs to get out of Cape Town, then I realise how its all just been too much and we probably just want to escape it all.
So here's to a final week of closing up this year, so we can come back and think of the year to come and not dwell on the past. It'll have its own set of challenges,but I'm so ready to attempt to move on.
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